More on thinking win-win

1. Is long term. This type of mentality goes beyond the immediate. It looks far ahead into the future. It tries to prevent future problems. And, it tries to provide for future needs. On other words it anticipates and foresees what could possibly happen and creates a solution now.
2. It requires integrity. Integrity is when words, actions and motives match. All three of these elements must be win-win. Hypocrisy has no place in win-win thinking. This type of thinking is always in the mode of what is best for you and me, now and in the long run. The guy that is nice to the girl because he wants to lead her to have sex. The girl that leads the guy on because he has a car or money is not win-win. Win-win is a frame of mind that seeks mutual benefits in all human interactions. It means that all agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying.

Win-Win Applications

Win-win applies to all kinds of relationships. It is not only for businesses. It can work in marriages, families, friendships, church boards, sport teams, etc. Let us say your mother wants you to take her shopping Tuesday night, but Tuesday night you are doing your laundry. For this one time she can do your laundry, and you are now free Tuesday night to take her shopping.

Your wife wants to visit her ailing parents on vacation time. You want that trip to the lake house to fish with the kids. No need to fight just a little, imagination and flexibility. Find a lake by her parents. You all get what you wanted, and more. The issue is you both can have your way, if you sit down and brainstorm a little. Another example, your kids wanted Disney. But, that business trip is taking you to Chicago. Take them to Six Flags - Great America, instead.

There is always an alternative, in which all parties will be fully satisfied. However, this requires a willingness to negotiate. This is key to win-win.

Thinking win-win, pt. 2

Does someone always have to lose for someone else to win? We live in a society where the winners take all. And, those who do not win typically leave with nothing. When the losers are given something it is called a consolation prize; not too positive. Our self worth is based on this concept of comparing and contrasting. If you are like this, you are a winner; if you are not like that you are a loser. This type of concept can be seen in our society when we are trying to find out who or what is in or cool. The winners think they are cool. The cool ones get more and the best, while the losers or geeks get a few scraps or crumbs. They typically are unwilling to share. Their attitude is I want it all, and sharing means there is less for me. As if there is not enough for everyone. Covey calls it the scarcity mentality. He says, “People with this mentality find it difficult to share recognition and power, and to be happy with the success of others, especially, those closest to them.”

You can see how this would not work in daily relationships where people work together. A few examples where did would not work is marriages, families, work teams, etc. Abundance mentality works best in these situations. This is a mentality that says “there is enough for every one. I do not have to have it all. We can split this and it will satisfy all.” The truth is every person that succeeds has others supporting them. They all cooperated to achieve the goal. In turn, they made the “successful person” look good. A mature person will share the recognition because he knows that without his support team he would not be successful. An immature person thinks that if it were not for him others would not do as well. An Immature person feels entitled to the reward. It is his, he deserves it, and he worked hard for it. In contrast, when they lose it is others people’s fault. A mature person will find reasons to compliment his supporting team, even when they lose.

Support comes in different ways. There are those who inspire you. There are those who are in the trenches with you. And, then there are those who take care of mundane things – laundry, cooking, ironing, grocery shopping, house cleaning, etc. - so you can focus on the second quadrant - important things. All three categories deserve credit and rewards. They help you win, so they should all win when you do.

Think Win-Win

The Fourth habit is to think win – win. Years ago I use to watch Sesame Street. Being that it was a public television show it had no commercial ads, because it had no sponsors. So, in a joking manner, at the end of the show the announcer would say that the show was brought by the number, letter, and word of the day. Many times the word was cooperation. To demonstrate the word, after defining it, they had skits in which the Muppets would do things together. At the end of the skit they showed the rewards of cooperation: they finished faster, they exerted less effort, and everyone was satisfied. This is the nature of win-win.

Let’s face it, we all live in interdependent realities. Everywhere we go, we are affected by others and others are affected by us. However, we are taught to be independent, and win at all costs. This may good for certain sports, but for real life it does not work. You need the right tools for the job. You do not use a jackknife to cut the grass. It is a lot easier with a grass-mower. All of our relationships in life are interdependent, so you need interdependent tools to be effective. Cooperation and thinking win-win are tools for the job. Things go a lot easier when we cooperate and think win-win. More on this subject next time.

True Interdependence

Interdependence is the realization that all we do – or not do - affects others. It is the realization that we can never succeed alone. In fact, we never fail alone either. There are those who claim that they worked hard for what they have, and no one gave them anything. This is untrue. Someone offered them an opportunity at one point of their life, or gave them a hand in some way or other. What they are really saying is that others should not be entitled to privileges they now take for granted.

There are three habits of Interdependence: think win–win, seek first to understand, and synergize. These would be habits four, five, and six of ugly effective people. Think win-win shows an attitude of selflessness. When you are selfless you will be more willing to listen and understand others than for others to listen and understand you. When others feel listened to and understood they are more willing to work with and for you.

These habits, practiced in this order, will make all parties involved very successful and effective. They will achieve more than if all worked individually in the same projects. They will be truly mature.

The True Meaning Of Independence

Covey created a chart called the Maturity Continuum. In this chart you will find that those who have not worked in developing the first three habits of effectiveness are dependent individuals. Not only do they expect things to be given to them, they at times, also expect others to make decision for them, however regretting being under control of others. Other times they make decisions, but regret paying the consequences of their choices. They hope that somehow they can be bailed out. You know this crowd; they want the quick fix pill, so they can move on doing what they want to do. These are the promiscuous people that do not want to get pregnant or contract a sexually transmitted disease. These are the overweight older people who call their health problems adult onset or age disease. You get the picture. They want to play with fire, but not get burnt. These are the people who are ready to fight and insult anyone when they feel accosted or even think they will be.

True independence would be the opposite. It is based on an understanding of how your choices affect you and other people. It is an understanding that your contribution or lack of it and whether positive or negative will have long lasting effects. Those who master the first three habits do things without them having to be told. They have initiative. They think things through before taking action. They strive to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right way. They anticipate a need and take care of it then, before the need arises. They anticipate a problem and develop contingency plans before the problem arises.

We tend to admire people like this. However, a person that achieves true independence may not be able to work for others and with others. True independence is not the end of the continuum; it is interdependence. Independent people can be pioneers, cavaliers, or do it yourselfers. But, without the private victory of independence, the public victory of interdependence cannot be achieved. Also, abandoning the habits of private victory, once public victory is achieved, will end up in public disgrace.

Put First things first

There is a reason why this habit is subtitled the habit of personal management. Time management is a misnomer. You can only manage what you can control. By this I mean, you cannot slow down speed up or stop time. But, we do have control over choosing what we do in the time we are given. So, it is ourselves that we must learn to manage. We need to learn when to say, “Yes” and when to say “No.” This requires wisdom, discernment and discipline.

This is very hard to do for several reasons. Firstly, is that our own selfish desires push us to do what we want to do. Secondly, sometimes we have a strong desire to please others. Thirdly, we do not want to create tension with others. Lastly, there are times when the tyranny of the urgency gets in the way.

A counselor once was accosted by his client with a terrible situation. At that moment, the counselor was leaving his office to go to his son’s piano recital. The client started to yell in desperation, “You can’t leave, I need you. I am about to loose my family. And, you are going to your son’s recital? How can you do this to me?” The counselor had a hard choice to make. He thought about it for a second, and then called his partner. He informed the client, “I understand that you are in a crisis. I am however, leaving to see my son. My partner will take care of you; he is as capable as I am if not better to help you. You need to understand, I want to avoid being where you are. While anyone in this office is more than able to help you, my son needs me now; no one can replace me.”

While the counselor’s situation was not urgent it was important. It was a quadrant II activity. When you look at the above graphic of the “Time” Management Matrix you will realize that the urgent and the important are often at odds. We spend a lot of time in quadrants (I, III, and IV) that take away from what truly matters (Quadrant II). As a rule we spend the most time putting out fires, in needless or redundant activity or in time wasters. Then we find reasons to justify our actions: “I deserve a break,” “the boss wanted this,” or “someone had to do it.”

Someone once said, “Show me your checkbook and your organizer and I will tell you what’s important to you.” If someone looked at your checkbook (credit card statement) or your organizer (palm pilot or blackberry) would they find that the priorities of your life are quadrant II activities?